Rome and Away: Thieves Like Us

Rome and Away with Michael Monkhouse.

I suffer from premature ejaculation and diarrhea. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

Sorry for that. It’s just I’ve suffered a lot in my life – poverty, despair, Facebook…but there are some things up with which I shall not put. Violence, homophobia – and bastards who nick other people’s jokes.

You see, I’m blessed with two qualities: my marvellous memory, and I can’t remember the other one. And if you’re better endowed than I am, you may remember several months ago I was rightly raving about top Roman stand-up Marco Capretti. Well Marco’s just had an experience so gross that Berlusconi would’ve paid for it. And as he can hold the stage for two hours whilst I pooh myself over five minutes, I’ll quote him verbatim (that means word for word, if you’re a footballer):

“I’m really disappointed. For three years now I’ve been working on my ‘Yahoo answers’ routine – I’ve taken it on radio and television and Sky… Now I’m being copied on TV’s ‘Colorado’ show by a group ‘Panpers’ who do it as ‘Yahoo Panpers’ but with the iPad. Where’s the respect, the dignity? In Milan I’d done the piece on TV – both ‘Colorado’ and ‘Zelig’ – everybody knows it’s my stuff, my perspiration, my commitment.”

Marco’s splashed this all over the aforesaid Facebook and it’s drawn a great deal of attention from some intelligent, articulate individuals – and me too. And I have to say ‘Colorado’ isn’t quite as bad as having a cricket bat rammed up your rectum; it’s one of the few bits of Italian TV that doesn’t rely too heavily on big-boobied babes in bikinis. (I just read in Wikipedia – so it must be true – pornography is ‘the portrayal of women as sexual objects with no brain or personality.’ I thought, That ain’t porn, it’s ninety-nine per cent of Italian telly.) But let’s be honest, imitation is the shit-est form of flattery. And the easiest way to make big bucks out of someone else’s hard graft.

I understand some things may be accidental – you take a topic, come at it from a similar angle, end up with a similar routine. No harm done. But as Jeremy Hardy said, “When someone gets up on stage and says ‘Hello my name’s Jeremy Hardy’, I smell a rat.” I took his point and never, ever introduce myself as Mr Monkhouse.

Japing aside, Marco’s put the case into the hands of his lawyers. And while justice in Rome is about as common as a virgin in light entertainment, I and about – ooh, six billion Facebook followers are on his side. So as the prostitute said to the client, “Watch this space.”

In the meantime, I won’t get too excited. Easy come easy go, that’s me. Like I said, I suffer from premature ejaculation and diarrhea.