Rome and Away: Cause for Laughter?

Rome and Away with Michael Monkhouse.

Nino Tarento… Ever heard of him?

Don’t worry, neither had I. Not till t’other night anyway, when he was doing a stand-up night here in Rome. And as finding stand-up in the Eternal City is about as likely as finding your tackle in Cameron Diaz, I jumped at the chance.

He did a damn fine job too, I must admit. Swaggering through social issues, meandering through the media, pissing through politics – and, ultimately, insisting we buy his book ‘The Wall of Smiles’ ’cause the proceeds were to going to a family house for disadvantaged children in India.

So as everyone else buggered off, I did the right thing: parted with a coupla Euros for some cause I’d never heard of and spent the rest of the evening feeling like I’d averted famine.

Then I got thinking about this whole ‘charity gigs’ shenanigans.

After all, they’re a bit – slimy aren’t they? Hypocritical. Masturbatory. Technically speaking, shite. Ricky Gervais chortles over Helen Keller, Jonathan Ross made those ‘hilarious’ prank calls to Manuel, and – most horrific of all – Davina McCall compèred ‘Big Brother’ (and I don’t mean compared it to a heap of steaming horse pooh)… But we forgive them ’cause they do Comic Relief. Unless you’re Alexei Sayle, who famously snarled, “I don’t participate in anything like that, it’s only there to boost your career.” (He’s obviously forgotten Amnesty ’81. Could be the booze.)

Now none of us is getting any younger, except those tarts on Italian telly if you believe the press. And yeah, I remember the first ‘Comic Relief’. I remember Spitting Image nobly taking part, not one month after parodying ‘We Are The World’ as ‘We’re Scared of Bob’. I remember Ronnie Corbett trying to fit in with the alternative explosion after thirty years’ tittie titters. I recall Ben Elton ingratiating himself with the right-on crowd, a decade before ramming his tongue so far up Andrew Lloyd Webber’s anus, no wonder he’s so full of shit…

Maybe Nino should’ve buggered off along with everyone else.

Well in the words of Oscar Wilde – bollocks to that. ’Cause I love charity bashes. I love these celebs getting off their anuses and actually doing something worthwhile instead of showing how much money they’ve got. (Paul Merton: ‘Paul McCartney earns four million pounds a month. I don’t even earn that in a year.’) And they do make a difference: would it actually occur to you to support a worthy cause if you weren’t turned on by the stars? And quite honestly, what’s more offensive – Nino looking a bit preachery, or Romans refusing a billionth of their pizza money?

I genuinely remember people refusing to buy ‘Band Aid’ ’cause they didn’t want a seedy Christmas number one. Just for once I’ll believe in reincarnation and hope they come back as starving kids in Africa. (Actually I do believe in reincarnation. If I’m a good boy I may come back as Cameron Diaz’s bra.)

I never thought I’d say this. But this time I’ll choose Nino instead of ’Lex.

Rome and Away will return in November.