Rob Gilroy: Is the Dad’s Army remake really a good idea?

Pictured: Rob Gilroy’s best ‘bad Photoshop’ yet. He’s being post-modern, we tell ourselves.

The film producer leans back in his chair. It’s a recliner – that’s what it does. It should do anyway, he spent $8,000 on it. He takes a puff of his e-cigar. He would have a real one but even multi-million dollar movie studios implement smoking laws.

He sucks back on the vaguely nicotine-y vapour and smiles to himself.
“I’ve got it” he says. “Sophie’s Choice.”

Two sheepish writers stare at him, unsure whether to laugh or applaud this daring suggestion. The film producer eyes them up for a response.
“A sequel – Sophie has another tough decision. We’d call it Sophie’s Choice 2: This One’s A Doozy.”

One of the writers squirms in his seat. “Do you think we could find a new problem for her?”

“Sure we can!” Barks the producer as he starts chewing on the end of his plastic cig. “It could be about car insurance, or painting her lounge!”
“Brilliant.” The kiss-ass writer chimes in.

“A prequel to Adam and Eve?” The producer suggests, stretching out in awe of his own genius. “How Adam and Eve came to be who they are. Matthew McConaughey as Adam and Jennifer Lawrence as Eve.”

“How about Kevin Hart as the wise-cracking snake?” The kiss-ass is on fine form.

“Perfect. Let’s get going with this one!”

“But…” the other writer offers, “before Adam and Eve were who they are, there was nothing. How could we cast a film if humans didn’t exist?”

The film producer slams his fist down on his desk in blind rage. It’s fine though, it’s solid oak. The desk, not his fist. He rocks back and forth in his leather-effect chair, stroking his expensively moisturised face.

He learns forward, unenthusiastically.

“Fuck it, let’s just reboot Spider-man again.”

It’s long been said that films, and Hollywood in particular, have lost the ability to tell interesting and original stories and it certainly seems like that this week. At a time when Michael Bay is about to unleash his version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Universal is telling the story of Dracula you haven’t seen before, apart from the bits you have, news comes that there’s to be a new Ghostbusters film.

I’ve discussed my concerns with the long-mooted new instalment of Ghostbusters. It’s a bastion of childhood memories, like Smash and the Bradford Riots. It’s not that I didn’t want a new GB film, I did. Desperately. I even felt that I knew how it should be done – with geriatric Ghostbusters struggling to keep up to 21st century ghosts.

I’m not saying it would have been the most original story, but it would feature the main cast doing what they do best. I didn’t want to see younger people being handed the baton. There is no baton, there is only a proton pack. And that belongs in the hands of messers Murray, Ramis, Hudson and Aykroyd.

When Harold Ramis passed away earlier this year I was heart-broken. He was the first true idol of my childhood to pop their proverbial clogs (little did I know who else that dick of a Grim Reaper had in mind). At least, I thought, they’ll leave the films alone now; let them bask in their glory without ruining the memory. The way people must have felt after World War One before the sequel came along and shat all over it.

So it was with a silent and stunned reaction that I greeted the news that Paul Feig and Kate Dippold were planning a female-led Ghostbusters film. I didn’t expect that.

Let’s be clear – it’s a reboot. ‘Reboot’ seems to be the word Hollywood uses when it can’t think of, or hasn’t got faith in, an original story for existing characters. Instead it reheats what has gone before and dresses it up as the ‘untold story’ or a ‘more realistic take’ on something.

Don’t get me wrong, I am desperate to see female-led comedy films, as many as possible – hopefully ones that don’t feature ‘finding a man’ as their central premise. There are a great deal of brilliant female comic actors that don’t get the parts or the scripts they deserve, in favour of yet another below par rom-com with Paul Rudd or an off-the-wall stoner comedy with Seth Rogan. I don’t dislike those guys I just want to hear new voices, interesting voices, female voices.

But still, Ghostbusters is sacred. Isn’t it?

Also this week, they announced a big screen adaptation of Dad’s Army (the second one). It’s another reboot, of sorts, with an all-star cast of British legends and Catherine Zeta Jones. And I’ll tell you what – I’m actually really looking forward to it.

My first thought when I heard about the film was ‘God, don’t they have any original ideas?’ then I remembered that Don’t Mess with the Zohan was an original idea at one point and suddenly I was much happier to revisit Walmington-on-Sea.

I do think it’s a shame that more money isn’t ploughed into original films and new franchises that have the potential to become as brilliant and much-loved as Ghostbusters and Dad’s Army, but at the same time, a big screen version of the exploits of Captain Mainwaring and co strikes me as a great idea. It’s very rare to see a film that features an extensive line-up of people over 40 and I for one would love to see the great Bill Nighy sharing scenes with Tom Courtenay and Annette Crosbie in a comedy.

So what makes Dad’s Army 2.0 different to Ghostbusters: Femme – both are great franchises that give much needed platforms to unheard voices?

Ultimately, I think it’s down to the fact that Dad’s Army was before my time. While I’ve watched many episodes over the years, it wasn’t really something I grew up with or held as close to my bosom as other shows. Therefore I think I’ve got the distance to see the appeal of rebooting it as a film, unburdened by nostalgia. Ghostbusters on the other hand, is like seeing my favourite childhood friend under-going plastic surgery.

Just because something is important to me and my generation doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be used to draw in others. Maybe they’ll love it just as much, maybe they’ll help bring the source material back to public prominence and, worst comes to the worst, if it’s rubbish we’ll still have the originals.

The fact is Hollywood and TV are never going to tire of taking old properties and repackaging them to make money. It’s just what happens and as long as those industries continue to struggle in the ocean of On-Demand and online streaming services, they’ll do what they can to grab our attention. There’s no point fighting it, it’d be like holding back a tide of piss with a tea-strainer. We just have to hope that whatever new stories they tell enrapture us like the originals.

So bring on the new Dad’s Army AND the new Ghostbusters. I love them both and want to be enthralled by them again and, if the back catalogues of those involved are anything to go by, they’re in brilliant hands.

Except Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That’ll be shit.