Drayton: Jumped-up Little Shits

Yesterday our culture reached a new low. Actually, ‘reached’ is the wrong word. Saying ‘reached’ sounds as though it made a leisurely decline. It actually plummeted. It crashed to earth, collapsing in a dead faint like an obese man overwhelmed by a two for one offer in a pie shop.

The UK’s bestselling newspaper – The Sun – bore the headline: JLS R.I.P

The Sun obviously isn’t a beacon of high art, its job is to reflect and drive our low culture ever downwards. Its job is to drive whatever agenda Murdoch and his henchmen want the great unwashed to follow, from lynching paediatricians to looking at photos of Rihanna’s tits.

We shouldn’t be surprised that a national paper should headline the demise of a group – it is social currency after all – and yesterday, every dimwit the length and breadth of the land spoke about it – look, even I’m doing it! This shit matters.

When Take That split a national emergency and three days of mourning were announced. Refugee camps opened on both the Welsh and Scottish borders.  I had a copy of Take That’s greatest hits, even I was affected.

Since the TT days though, our culture has slipped. We’re all Cowellites now. From Ant and Dec gurning away, guffawing at some inanity from Steven Mulhearn to that fucking dancing fucking dog, to ‘ordinary’ people flapping about in sunshine yellow adverts to those over-smug-choir- twats in the Halifax commercial, everything is available to everyone as long as you’re ‘normal’ and a bit of a rough diamond, with a sob story about cancer or your grandma getting her knob caught in a mangle. That’s how it works.

The canonisation of JLS, though, is a new low. Sing a JLS song, go on, do it.

No, me neither. They’re the epitome of a cultural nothingness. A construct, a flim-flam, a highly-polished turd in a sewerage plant full of slightly-buffed jobbies. A million JLS fans can’t be wrong. Surely if a million people like them, they must have something going for them. Once National Socialism had a million fans, look what happened there.

JLS are performing in North East Live, at the Stadium of Light on 22 June, with The Wanted, Rita Ora, Lawson, Little Mix, Amelia Lily, James Arthur, Stooshe, Conor Maynard, Union J and The Vamps.

Boom! Crumble! Decay! Front page of The Sun.