Drayton: 10 reasons to shun Bowie
After a ten year hiatus David Bowie releases his new album – his 114th – on Monday. The media feeding frenzy has been remarkable with The Next Day receiving plaudits, garlands and cheers. This is wrong. Here are ten reasons why you should boycott David Bowie and his new record.
1) He practiced Mime. Everyone knows that Mime belongs to Satan. And drama school students.
2) He had his teeth fixed. Before he had his teeth fixed anyone with crooked, discoloured or just odd teeth had a cool media representative. Only Shane McGowan remains dentally challenged. No one wants him for a sunbeam.
3) The Lord’s Prayer at the Freddie Mercury concert.
4) He was supposed to go quietly, not come back with something that’s actually worth listening to, that we have to invest in. We were happy listening to the twelve brilliant albums he released between 1970 and 1981.
5) You’ll never be as cool as him, no way, no how.
6) There will be those people whose purchase of The Next Day will be their first Bowie album. They will buy it because it was featured in newspapers, on TV. They haven’t put the work in over the years, had the ups and the downs. Johnny come lately bandwagon jumpers. And they’ll buy it from Asda. You NEVER buy Bowie from a supermarket.
7) There will be a Bowie backlash. Some tool won’t like it and they’ll pen a pithy critique in the Daily Mail on how we’ve all been sheep. The shits.
8) Your Uncle Terry will celebrate National Bowie Day on Monday, appearing with full Aladdin Sane make up and garb. He’s 57 and portly. You’ll see his downstairs through the lycra leggings he’s borrowed from your Shelia.
9) Lots of people will be affecting a ‘Dagenham Dave’ type Bowie accent. You’ll have to laugh and pretend it’s funny. It’s not.
10) You will have to go to either Tyneside Cinema or Live Theatre to a first-day hearing event from the Record Player. Tyneside starts at 6.30, Live at 7.30. £5.00.
