Dicktionary Corner – with Alex Collier
Dicktionary Corner - with former Viz co-editor Alex Collier.
Comedy during the day stinks, doesn’t it? We all know that. Comedy is like a vampire; sunlight kills it, angry mobs often go after it and it doesn’t like garlic. For a grown up person the prospect of watching comedy during the day is akin to having to sit in maths class when you were twelve and the sun was shining outside. Unless you were one of those freaky weird kids who liked maths and had heliophobia.
Right, okay; I admit it, I had to Google the word ‘heliophobia’. Even my Word document is telling me this word doesn’t exist with an angry red underline. But finding new words can be fun! Even, unbelievably, at 2pm in the afternoon in a comedy club.
So it was that the new run of Fuckwits kicked off on Sunday, hosted by Simon ‘Him off the shit talking head TV shows’ Donald. It’s basically a clueless panel show in which a team of comics are shown a blank crossword and, at the threat of hearing another one of Donald’s anecdotes, made to fill it in, with no clues at all. This gives rise to a raft of inspired new words as the comics paint themselves into corners and do what they do best – come up with any old bollocks to get themselves out of trouble.
In its new fuckwitted time of 2pm, this was the Newcastle Stand’s first afternoon show, and so we were nervous it’d be a sparse crowd. So, if you came down to the show, thank you – you made me very happy indeed. Luckily enough we had as our panellists Gavin Webster, Anvil Springstein, Steffen Peddie and Tiffany Stevenson, so I know they made you happy in return.
For all you other bastards that didn’t come, which would be whatever the population of the world is minus about 16 (something like that, I never liked maths much), I’ll give you a quick round up of the best new words that popped into existence that day:
Wirk – Similar to work, but done by Scousers.
Yellowpage – The very first telephone directory.
Prozac – That person who enjoys comedian George Zach.
Inert – The act of unlubricated sex. As in “It went in and it ‘urt’”
Gost – A newly suggested spelling of the word ‘Ghost’.
Goowlys – A newly suggested spelling of the word ‘Ghoulies’.
Woooooo – What a Gost says.
Leng – The length of a leg.
Slimpig – A pig on a diet.
Netbaal – Geordie netball.
Lowdbast – Your neighbour.
Hambo – A pig who has just returned from Vietnam.
Spamwhich – A magazine all about a canned precooked meat product.
Hardygan – What happened when Stan Laurel left the UK for America.
Fatscan – the Porno Bugsy Malone.
Twast – A twat and a bastard.
Spamingo – A dance that pigs do.
Craptember – Similar to ‘Movember’, this is the month that office jokers do a shit for cancer.
This is just a small selection of some of nonsense that spewed out of Fuckwits. If you think they were funny, come to the next show – and if you thought they weren’t funny, I only selected the least funny ones, so come to the next show too, you miserable twast.
Fuckwits returns to the Newcastle Stand on Sunday 18th November at 2pm in the afternoon. For tickets, see: thestand.co.uk. Read our review of Fuckwits here.
