A Day In The Life Of…Patrick Monahan

Patrick Monahan

As a stand-up comedian, dancer, family entertainer & full-time cake eater, my life can sound fun but it’s usually very stressful!

The hardest thing about being a stand-up comedian, dancer, family entertainer and cake eater is deciding what to do first thing when you wake up in the morning. The double edge sword is that as a stand-up comedian you don’t have a boss who tells you what to do – which is a great problem to have at 10am in the morning. When you’re your own boss at 10am you can discuss the pros and cons of pressing the snooze button, and no matter how many arguments you can have against it, the arguments for ‘snoozing’ always win. I’ve slept through two fires and three terrorist attacks – I’m a pretty deep sleeper.

But at 3pm in the afternoon, when you’re still in your underpants, you wish you had a boss telling you what you should be doing, or at least attempting to do! That’s why now before I go to bed I make a list of what I should at least attempt to do the next day when I eventually wake up to the sounds of buses, or shot-guns, or whatever’s playing on the radio.

The first thing I write on my list is ‘set alarm clock’. I write down the time I like to wake up, then write down the realistic time that I’ll wake up, and then how many times I’ll press snooze in between that time. I’ve had the same alarm clock for 17 years but have had to replace the snooze button on it 1,376 times in that period.

Once I’m out of bed I stick a little pan on the cooker and do some porridge – I like to start the day as I mean to go on with a hot healthy Scottish stable meal…then aim to finish with a healthy Scottish trademark ‘deep fried pizza’ to help me collapse asleep at night.

So while the pan is boiling some lovely hot porridge I like to stick my face against the window in the front room – pretending to look out to see what it’s going to be like – but really I’m just sticking my head on something to rest onto to snooze for a bit.

To be honest, normally I’m not that hungry first thing in the morning because I’ve not long eaten. As your body is on comic timing – with us finishing an average gig at 11.30pm – you’re lucky if you’re having your tea before 2am!

I never know where I’m gigging in advance – I can guess but it’s never right. I have a diary with dates in but my agent will email me a list of shows I’m meant to be playing. I always check in the morning where the place is by sticking the name of the town into Google Maps or see where the internet search engine takes me! But before Google Maps and the internet, if I wanted to know where a place was I’d have to watch the weather reports on the news and see if they had the town on their map – it wasn’t a very effective way but at least I was never caught out in the rain without a jacket!

As a comedian and family entertainer some days I find that I may have to do an early show in the afternoon for younger people and their parents – these shows are fun but, even though the audience are a bit more sober than a late night evening show, their energy levels are a lot more manic! Four hundred adults drunk on alcohol and shots is no match for two hundred kids high on Turkey Twizzlers, fizzy pop and sherbet bombs.

Once I’ve eaten my porridge (and I never eat a full bowl – I have half a bowl and leave half for the next morning in the fridge. It’s always good to vary your porridge intake, but helps if you have warm porridge one day then cold porridge the next day – variety is the spice of life and a good serving suggestion for porridge!) I then do some admin, like put cheques in the bank, go for a run and take back my granddad’s hand gun! Be careful you never get all your chores mixed up – I once accidently went for a run with a hand gun in my local bank. They got the wrong impression – they thought I wanted to upgrade my bank account and get an interest free loan!

The afternoon usually goes quicker than the morning, though, and sometimes I like to walk round my local park and look at people thinking, “Why are they not at work? What do they do for a living that they’re sat in the park at 3pm?” They stare back at me, and they’re probably thinking, “What the hell does this bloke do? He doesn’t look like a freelance gardener!”

Then before you know where it’s at – it’s about 5 or 6pm – you’ve got to get ready for the gig…and then get there! Very rarely will you be lucky enough to do a gig in your home town, and very few people are lucky to have a gig on the end of their street unless they’re a street performer (and can perform anywhere) or they’re homeless (and they can live anywhere!)

I prefer travelling to gigs on trains so that I can write out a set list of jokes, routines and stories that I can mention at the gig. And once I get there I look for the nearest food places and if there’s any free cake provided at the gig. You’ll be surprised by the amount of comedy shows nowadays that will have a meal and will have a dessert waiting in the kitchen for you! I always find that if you befriend the manager of the venue and the kitchen staff you can make slices of cake and tubs of ice cream disappear from the kitchen fridge into your mouth.

Once the gig is done, I try and take some of the furniture from the gig home with me – I’m a collect-to-manic – it’s a disease I must live with. It used to be worse; I used to take busloads of audience members home with me – I think it’s part of my North East nature, where you’re always friendly and telling people ‘What’s mine is yours!”. I had to stop taking bus loads of audience members home after I lost the mini bus and everyone had eaten us out of sausage rolls and crisps.

When I eventually get home, though, I like to watch something on On Demand TV to unwind, then write out a new list for the next day on my newly stolen desk and pub floor carpeting before hitting the sack!

Night night!

Patrick Monahan will be performing in the North East in both May and June. Patrick is appearing at Hartlepool Town Hall Theatre on Thursday 12^th May; Newton Aycliffe Leisure Centre the following night; and Middlesbrough Town Hall on Thursday 30^th June. Further information can be found on his website here.