My brief return to stand-up

"I don’t necessarily miss stand up, but performing on stage? I definitely miss that."

The other week I made a fleeting return to stand-up comedy.

The situation was less than ideal, but essentially, I was roped into hosting my work’s winter conference. Because nothing says big belly laughs like 11 Power Point presentations on subjects like ‘Brand Identity’ and ‘Internal Business Operations’.

It wasn’t how I used to get booked for gigs. I turned up to the event expecting to help out with menial tasks and then found out it was my job to introduce a whole roster of people all more important than myself, like the CEO. The CEO for crying out loud! How do you introduce a man that can fire you on the spot? The answer is; very cautiously.

Having been rendered speechless by the bombshell that was “Oh yeah Rob, would you mind just introducing people and, y’know, doing a few jokes and that?” I then had to spend 20 minutes frantically scribbling down any semblance of a pun before the entire company walked through the door. I’d like to point out that my job title isn’t ‘Company Jester’, nor is it ‘Clown for Hire’ and yet, there I was; trying to write inoffensive knob jokes for people who really didn’t want to hear them.

Despite what the other members of management might think, it isn’t just a case of ‘reacting to the funny things you see on stage’. I might be funny, but I’m not that funny. Besides, what comedy gold would I be seeing on stage? The Retail Director talking about estimated sales trajectories? The Customer Relations Manager looking at improving client experiences? Or the head of stock checking talking about, well, stock checking. A laugh a minute it is not.

This all came about because people at work heard that I used to do stand up, and so in the same way you might ask someone to help you sweep a floor because they owned a broom, I was asked to help out by hosting the entire company conference.

Initially, I was asked to write jokes for the directors, and generally inject the proceedings with some chuckles. Easy, right? If there is one thing I know, it’s that writing jokes for people who aren’t used to delivering them is as effective as trying to put out a fire by covering it with more fire.

Jokes get garbled and turns of phrase are chewed up and spat out in an order that would suggest the speaker is battling the onset of a stroke. No matter how simple a joke you write, they will find a way to destroy it, sucking out the humour and leaving an atmosphere vacuum in its place. A pulse that neutralises any feeling of enjoyment or goodwill in an already hostile environment.

I learnt this the hard way; writing jokes for important people at the last conference. It’s fair to say it didn’t go so well. It didn’t help that they ended up reading the jokes off a sheet of paper. Because if there’s one thing that really helps sell comic delivery, it’s the slow, stuttery speech patterns of someone struggling to read out Calibri 12pt under disco lighting.

This time I decided the safest thing was to simply assist people with their presentations, helping them to find a way to relax and make light of their subjects – as opposed to turning them into joke-firing gag machines. They say you can’t polish a turd and I know better than anyone that these shits never get buffed.

So my hands-off approach was in place and all was running smoothly until the day of the dreaded conference and I was casually informed that I’d be hosting the bloody thing. It’s odd but I find when the pressure is put on me, my joke writing really jumps up a notch.

I used to find it with stand-up – often I would plan out a new set in quite a lot of detail, with gaps between one bit of material and another. Then five minutes before going on stage I would have to think of linking jokes. I’d quickly jot down something as a place holder and more times than not, it would be the joke that worked best. It’s quite a nifty skill to have, although somewhat heartbreaking when you keep the one joke it took you all of five seconds to come up with, but throw away the 20 minute routine comparing civil rights movements to bus schedules.

The one thing I really did take from this though was that I really miss performing. I don’t necessarily miss stand up, I still think there are far too many people out there who are better suited to it, but performing on stage? I definitely miss that.

So that’s something that needs to change…