Rob Gilroy: Making A Stand #51

Tonight I will be performing at a charity event.

Don’t worry; I not going to guilt-trip you into coming by luring you in with jokes, then hitting you with an emotional sucker punch. That’s not my style.

Before you thank me for giving up my valuable time and declare me one of life’s true heroes; let me point out a few things.

Firstly, my time is not valuable – the other day I spent over an hour picking the bits out of some wood chip wallpaper. I wasn’t decorating, just bored.

If you need proof about how inexpensive my time is then I can direct you to the pot-marked walls of my bathroom.

And secondly – while I may be a hero, I have no official training in this area. If you are falling from a building or are strapped to a train track then you’re on your own.

Sadly, the real reason I do charity nights is because I am an incredible show off.

There’s nothing especially Bono-like about my approach, apart from the fact I wear sunglasses indoors and sometimes put on the accent.

At any opportunity my ‘look-at-me’ gene kicks in and I am more than happy to parade around for the sake of parading. If I happen to be raising money for Rabid Arabs at the same time then so be it. It’s quite shallow, I will admit.

Not that I don’t care about the charities I gig for, I do.

Whether it’s Homeless Pigmy Freedom Fighters or Acute Hypochondria, I will perform to the best of my do-gooding abilities because it’s all for a worthy cause.

With the exception of the gig I did for OXFAM – Outlandish Xenophobes Facilitate Aggressive Murders – that one was a mistake.

But the others? I do them because I want to help AND because I love showing off.

It’s win-win; I get to indulge my sociopathic tendencies while other people give money to the Philandering Simians Trust.

I do lots of things for charity.

My inability to say ‘no’ has seen me approached by tabard-wearing strangers in busy city centres, only to walk away an African granny richer. Plus I sign those online campaigns all the time.

Well, not all the time. I do the important ones – the NHS, benefit cuts, Bring Back Ripper Street, but sometimes you have to turn a blind eye when your inbox pings.

I mean, lowering the price of the England kit is not a priority. And who’s ever heard of the “rainforest” anyway?

I’m proud of the things I do for charity, although the granny I adopted has since had her funding cut, primarily because I was living off Lidl’s equivalent of ‘Smart Price’.

I decided if I couldn’t look after myself, it wasn’t really fair of me to take on the responsibility of bringing up a Nigerian octogenarian.

I like doing charity nights because you get a sense of excitement, as though everyone knows they’re trying to do something special.

It’s a bit like the atmosphere on Comic Relief, up until the point where Jonathan Ross comes out and creates a palpable sense of unease.

While it may sound big-headed (because it is) it’s a nice feeling that we are all working towards achieving something positive – giving up time and money (and pie and peas in a lot of instances) for a serious cause.

So if you want to get involved then why not go along to your local charity comedy night? You could do a lot worse than spend a fiver to be entertained for an evening. A lot worse.

Like the sufferers of External Gastric Emissions, who have to spend every day of their lives burping and trumping their way to an early grave. They have no idea if their next outburst will be a follow through or just a gust of smelly wind.

So think about it – save a life, watch some live comedy.

OK, so maybe I did hit you with the sales pitch. Sue me. Or at the very least, take the money you would spend on legal fees and give it to the charity of your choice.

Rob will be performing at Laugh in the Face of Hate at Bolton Socialist Club on Friday at 8pm.