Rob Gilroy: Making A Stand #12

With Ghostbusters 3 in and out of development more times than a Gary Busey comeback, people no longer know whether they want it or not. It’s time for a true fan of this comedy classic to step in and sort it all out. Rob Gilroy is that idiot.

Dear Dan Aykroyd,

First off; let me start by saying I’m a huge admirer of your work – I’ve seen Blues Brothers at least as many times as I’ve seen Evolution and sometimes me and my mum re-enact whole scenes from Driving Miss Daisy. However, I am writing to you now as a fan of all things paranormally investigative and whilst wearing nothing but my Real Ghostbusters’ proton pack, PKE meter and trap.

I love Ghostbusters. I mean really love it. Like the love shared between a young boy and his free-roaming, full torso-ed apparition. It’s a franchise for which I will forever pine; long after all other film series have fizzled out into a puddle of poor plotting and stars doing it for the money. Take Die Hard for example – they’re going to keep pushing that until Bruce Willis is strangling Alan Rickman’s descendants with his catheter tube. And they’ll keep rebooting Spider-Man until he’s firing webs from his mother’s uterus.

Ghostbusters is different. It’s like an old friend you may not see for years but when you do you’re instantly transported back to the old rapport. So imagine how I feel every time I hear a new bit of information on the long-gestating Ghostbusters 3 – Bill Murray is in it, Bill Murray isn’t in it, Bill Murray might be in it, it’s an animation. My emotions are constantly toyed with, like the old RG Firehouse I used to own (sold it when I grew up – biggest mistake of my life). Like Bill Pullman in While You Were Sleeping – G3 is in a coma; I’m not sure if it will ever make it through and if I’m frank; I don’t know if I want it to (that bit might not be in WYWS).

While I agree with the vast majority of internet discussion – it’s not a necessary sequel and if done badly it would be an unfitting addition to the series – I must be honest; nothing could bring about a geek-induced embolism quicker than seeing yourself; Seth Rogan’s dad; the one out of Miss Congeniality that wasn’t Sandra Bullock; and Garfield wearing grey jumpsuits again. I’ve thought long and hard about this (longer than is healthy for someone who has made little personal contribution to the world) but I think I’ve found a way of making a third film work. I’m not saying get me on board to write it; only you and Mr. Ramis could ever do it justice (apologies to those American Office guys), but nevertheless I hope you find my input helpful.

That said; I’ve written one line of dialogue and it’s an absolute corker. If you want it, it’s yours. Gratis.

First thing’s first; in response to Mr. Murray’s concerns that no one would want to see ‘fat old men running around catching ghosts’ – nonsense. If I sat down to watch a new instalment; that’s exactly what I’d want to see. You guys aren’t He-Man, you’re human beings; prone to the odd Chinese takeaway or pretty big Twinky – you get old and fat and lazy, just like everyone else and that’s what I want to see from the boys in grey. If those boiler suits aren’t straining under the pressure; I’m not interested.

My main concern about G3 is that it wouldn’t be a Ghostbusters film; it would be a film that just happens to have some of the original Ghostbusters in it. (Small point: If every member of the original cast won’t sign up – don’t do it. It would be like the Power Rangers without the pink one. But worse.) My fears are only increased by all this talk of passing on the proton wands. Now, I have nothing against Extreme Ghostbusters – it was a fun show with just enough busting to make me feel good, but I’m not interested in seeing the birth of a new franchise. And God forbid one where Ashton Kutcher, Will Ferrell and Eddie Murphy are at the reins. That’s why The Real Ghostbusters worked so well; the programme makers beautifully captured the essence of the original characters and their relationships.

I realise this is a film pitch no movie studio in the world would go for but don’t make it the start of a new chapter; make it the end of the original. Take a leaf out of (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD – SPOILERS) The Dark Knight Rises; what they were brave enough to do was finish out the Bruce Wayne story. It might mean there can be no more Spengler, Stantz, Venkman and Zeddemore but I believe people would rather see them bow out gracefully than get side-stepped for a new team with more cock jokes. After that if you still feel obliged to make a Ghostbusters Jr. or a Big Ghostbusters House 2: The Klumps then be my guest, just don’t include it as part of the trilogy.

One thing that seems to cause concern amongst fans is a worry that it would end up like Ghostbusters 2 and I for one don’t understand this. OK, it’s not quite as strong as the original but if you ask me (and by reading this you sort of are) I believe that G2 is woefully underrated as a Ghostbusters film and a sequel in it’s own right – the court scene is one of the best sequences of all time, ever and having Winston and Ray as children’s entertainers is a stroke of genius.

For me, the main problem with it (aside from the hideous painting at the end) was that it stuck a little too close to the original’s formula – no Ghostbusters, first ghost captured, shit-hot montage, serious stuff with Dana Barrett, a big thing walking around New York, Winston loving this town – but actually, in retrospect, those story beats keep it feeling like a Ghostbusters film, it’s the character development that really brings in the new elements and ideas. Ghostbusters 3 could do a lot worse than follow in it’s massive footsteps. (See what I did there? Y’know, ‘cos the Statue of Liberty had big feet and that. God I’m good.)

If I were you I’d acknowledge the time that has passed and the scepticism surrounding the project. No matter how strong the script is or how brilliant the finished product turns out to be; some people will say it’s not as good as the original. The weight of anticipation and concern surrounding the project, coupled with the hesitancy of certain cast members could all work its way into the plot of the film. How would Ghostbusters that have been apart for 24 years feel getting back together? Why is Venkman so hesitant to be apart of it? Does the world even need the Ghostbusters anymore? Play with it and show people you know they’re worried. Then prove them wrong. You know, a bit like MIB3 did, but better than that.

OK, this one’s a biggie: please, for the love of God, don’t use CGI. I realise it’s the way Hollywood works these days and even the lowliest Jennifer Lopez rom-com is rendered to within an inch of it’s life, but go back to the basics. The effects in G1 and G2 aren’t perfect but they do hold up, because you can see the care and attention that has gone into every inch of Stay Puft and spectre on screen. To watch a third film where four men chase a marker in front of a green sheet would strip Ghostbusters of it’s charm. There is nothing wrong with breaking away from the pack – I once knew three university professors who weren’t afraid to do that and look what happened to them. (SPOILER) They became Ghostbusters.

In summary; I have absolute faith in what Ghostbusters 3 could be if you really go for it. I also have faith that you won’t let anything less than perfect slip through the net.  Ghostbusters has always been a huge part of my childhood and will forever be a frightening large part of my adult life – the other day I was dancing to Run DMC’s song while washing up – all I ask is; if I do see you boys again make sure it’s well worth it. After all; who else am I gonna call?

Lots of love,

Rob “I Aint Afraid of No Ghosts” Gilroy

(Aged 25 and ½ years)

Rob will be appearing at Hilarity Bites’ Bishop Auckland Town Hall gig tonight. And Rob’s alter ego, Jerry Bucham: protest singer and activist, will be taking part in John Scott’s Sod the Tories night at the Stand Newcastle on Monday 24 June.